That bliss comes all of a sudden in the form of a laughter. Everything just seems to be funny. Even the way Kris winks feels like a thousand explosions of thousand ovaries, and it’s just so funny. My heart beats fast, waiting for Kris to take his position and his winking jumps out of the screen, and I jump from my place onto the bed, burying my face in the pillow, because it’s just so funny, I can’t contain this simple happiness anymore. I take a look at my legs and they’re yellow, but double Sasha won’t believe me. If I move to the left, the color goes back to normal, but when I move to the right, they go back to yellow. My feet are freaking yellow, the same exact color of the fried pigeon I ate during lunch. I can feel the bliss creeping up on me, and I hope I won’t have to go to pee, because I can’t even stand, I might trip and bump my head on the toilet seat and die.
The ground starts becoming a dangerous area. The air conditioner is blowing straight at me and I shiver in my blue tank top and colorful shorts. I scooted to the bed and bury myself in the safe confinement of my bed cover. Then the room starts to turn colors into green.
The green oozes from the ceiling, drips down all the walls and fills the room. My vision blooms like an overdue kaleidoscope, sending sparks of yellow and green across the room. Shapes of circles and triangles spin and spin on the ceiling. Minho is glaring at me, telling me how fucked up I am, and I don’t want him to judge me. I turned around, changing the position of my head cleverly, so that I won’t have to see him glaring at me. It only gets worse. Now Minho is looking down on me. It makes me want to piss.
I step on the floor and I can’t feel anything on my feet. I’m flying. I hold on to the walls for dear life and secretes the excess of fluid quickly, wanting to go back to bed. Stupid me has to take a look to the mirror and finds the reflection of someone I don’t know. Who are you? I ask the girl in the mirror. I don’t know you, but it’s nice meeting you. It’s like having a new friend.
I tell Sasha M to immediately find a mirror and contemplate. There’s another world inside it that I never knew exist before. The fear shoots swiftly inside my head. I don’t want to be trapped in that mirror. I go back to bed and stare at the ceiling, knowing that Minho is looking down at me without my having to confirm it. Double Sasha are watching the two laptops, one of Baekhyun and the crazy light, while one is a plethora of many lights and my eyes are frozen to the screen. There are lights everywhere, the red mixing with the blue, making love with the green, and clashing with the yellow, silver and gold. Twelve men facing each other and they blur with the trillions of lights into starburst of an unknown galaxy of my world. I take a look at both Sasha and they have turned yellow, yet they don’t believe me. I try to erase the yellow of their skin and yet it won’t come of. Somehow I know that this has happened before. Both Sasha have sat in that position before, saying the same thing, watching the same thing, doing the same thing. I know this has happened before and yet they don’t believe me. I have experienced this before and none of them believe me. I’m screaming because I don’t know when this has happened before. I want to remember everything, but I can’t. I can’t and I start to cry.
This shouldn’t have happened. We were supposed to get together and talk and have fun, but now I’m having fun by myself. I’m in this beautiful world that only I can seem to see. I see strings connecting me to double Sasha and I want to pull them into my world, but they won’t budge. They can’t see what I see. They can’t hear what I hear. It’s making me sad, and I’m sorry. I’m drowning in these regrets that come in big tidal waves, and I can’t seem to get out of it. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Tonight is not supposed to be like this. I’m sorry I’ve ruined everything, but none of them acknowledge me. I’m truly sorry.
My chest is full of mixed up emotions that I cannot comprehend nor digest for the life of me. I feel so blessed that I am here with two good people and how I trust them with my life. They can cut me open and bare and I won’t care. I take a piece of paper and write. I need to keep a record of tonight. I drag the tip of the pen across the white piece of paper, staining it with blue and I don’t know what I’m writing. By the end of the page, I give up and throw it across the toom.
The green is now meddling with the yellow and there are light distortions everywhere, creating gentle waves, flowing from one wall to another. I’m being submerged under the water and a sense of surreal panic attacks me. I need to breathe. I need to stay alive. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. I’m laying at the bottom of a pond and I can see a goldfish swimming by. Meanwhile, I can hear El Dorado at the back of my mind.
I turned to my side and I see Chanyeol stepping into an old, abandoned barn, doing what he does best. Exploring. The lights fall through the cracks, forming constellation of stars. He sits down and there’s a stack of hay behind him, forming millions of shapes, offering me its secrets. It’s not shining like the lights through the crack, but it’s there. All of its secrets will be mine, if only I know how to figure them out. I keep trying to figure them out, and Chanyeol picks up a book full of writing that I cannot read. But I already know what resides in it, as he knows what resides in it. We both know what’s in it. The eclipse comes and it is seconds until all of the secret of the universe is mine, as being told by Park Chanyeol, the messenger and the explorer.
Sudeenly all I can see is him. I’m looking into his pair of big clear orbs and he smiles. And he nods, because he knows that I know. His job is done, and he leaves.
Sasha M is playing with the light switch and I’m drowning in seconds of darkness and brightness. Darkness. Brightnss. Darkness. Brightness. She’s laughing so hard, shrieking into the night, reenacting Baekhyun’s personal style of dancing with the light. As the light flickers on and off, I’m thinking that Byun Baekhyun must have been high too. He must have done something wrong so bad, that his friends were forced to avenge him by releasing his highness for all the world to see. I wonder what he had done then. Sasha M can’t stop switching the light on and off. On and off. On and off. The lamp is telling me something. Then I see a spark and for a split second I’m afraid the lamp will explode and burn the whole flat while I’m too high to save myself.
“Sasha, don’t stand up,” I say. “It’s dangerous.”
But Sasha M won’t stop. She keeps on losing herself with the light and I’m afraid she’ll lose her footing and bump her head on the desk, or worse, crash into the mirror and bits of sharp shards will stab into her skin and I’ll be drowning in a pool of her blood. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Then I’m overcome by a surge of bliss and I feel peaceful. I’m smiling, because everything is beautiful. My life is beautiful. Tonight is beautiful. I’m sad, because I’ve failed in pulling both Sasha into my world. But even my sadness is beautiful. I turn to my side and face the wall. Then I remember dad.
Is this how he feels everytime? Is this the exact same bliss that he craves, that makes him forget everyone? If it is, then I understand. I can finally see what he sees, and I finally understand that it’s just a pair of hands that he needs to hold him. I cry a river on my bed and I can’t stop. I can’t even remember the last time I cried. I need to cry. I’m ashamed for revealing this weakness of mine that I usually keep to myself, but I don’t want to hold it anymore. I cry because I miss dad. I cry because I want to hold him and be there for him. I cry because I understand him.
How I become a pathetic mess, and all because of a small jar of bad tasting crackers. I laugh so hard because I fall to my knees because of a small jar of crackers. It’s pathetic, but I should embrace it. A part of me knows that I will never feel this way again. Now I know why dad is this way all the time. I laugh and laugh and laugh and I’m one with the universe. I’m one with mother earth. I’m one with the dead. This is how The Dark Side of the Moon was created and for a split moment, I’m there with them, shooting a bright light of white and breaking it into seven colors of the rainbow. I’m fucking Pink Floyd.
Sasha M lands as swift she flew not so long ago. I know I need to touch down soon, but I refrain myself from it. I hold on to the last bit of the bliss inside my mind, for it’s my best friend for the night. I don’t want it to go away. Please stay with me forever. Please keep me peaceful forever.
The light goes out for real and it is time to sleep. I need to sleep. I need my rest. We take our positions and close my eyes. Everything is quiet. I can hear the steady breathing of Sasha K. It’s time to sleep. I close my eyes and fall asleep.
Except I start to run in the darkness of my head and I shiver. I need someone to hold me and I see someone holding me, and I can feel his arms. I open my eyes and there’s no one there. My mind starts to race and my heartbeat flies out of my chest. I look at my left and Sasha K is still sleeping there soundly. The night is still safe. I’m still alive and there’s nothing to be afraid of. Everything will be alright, because nothing lasts forever. I sing to the darkness of the night, that nothing lasts forever. Even this fear won’t last forever. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing lasts forever.
I close my eyes again, and I’m back in the darkness of my mind. I’m thinking of how I deserve to be held right now and I can feel that pair of arms is back to hold me tight, except that it’s not real. Yet I can feel it. I open my eyes again and I see a million of eyes of red, blue, yellow, and green staring down at me. Judging me. Telling me a million things without speaking a word. I’m scared. I need to get down soon. Somebody please get me down soon. I’m scared and sad, and those million eyes are shedding tears for me, because they know I am beyond help. No one can help me.
I shiver inside my blanket. I think of dad. I think of mom. I want to call mom and tell her to come right now and help me. But I’ve thrown away my phone in the middle of the night because I knew I wouldn’t be able to help myself with it. I close my eyes and suddenly I’m running in a purplish dark woods of my mind. I close my mind again and I know that a pair of scissors is just within my reach and I won’t even feel a thing if I stab myself with it. I shake my head and convince myself that I will not hurt myself tonight. I stare up at the ceiling and see myself banging my head into the wall, breaking the thin skull and drag my ruined brain across the room and die. I see myself running out of the room and jump from the third floor and smash myself into the concrete into a thousand unrecognizable pieces and I’ll die and I’ll be at peace. Everywhere I turn, I see a thousand ways to destroy myself. I’m having this sense of clarity and I can finally see the world for what it is. A scary place. I’m having this sense of clarity and how disappointed I am to see myself for what I am. This desructive person who can think of nothing but killing itself. Behind closed lids, I see my hands strangling my own neck and I have to force my eyes open and see that Sasha K is still sleeping on my left. I try to feel my arms and it takes a while to convince myself that both of my arms are trapped between my feet and that I will not harm myself tonight, because a little part of me still loves me. I close my eyes and I get scared again. I open my eyes and Sasha K’s sleeping beside me is like an anchor to reality that I don’t even know if it exists anymore. I get up and piss and avoid looking at the mirror. Sasha M asks if I’m alright and I point my finger at her.
“I don’t know if you’re real or not,” I tell her, and I know that she’s scared too.
I crawl back under my blanket and I’m scared and I want to get down soon. I’m scared up to the point I’m scared I will never get out of this fearsome high. What if Monday comes and I go to the office in this state of paranoia and they’ll know and I lose everything? I want to get down. Somebody please get me down. I am this close to be trapped inside my own mind and no one will be able to help me.
Sasha M gets up and I urge her to find ways, ANY ways, to get the fuck down from this high. I tell her I don’t know how John Lennon did it, being high all the time. Sure, it gives you bliss for a moment, but I never expect the paranoia can be this intense and I can’t stand it anymore, I want to get out. I’M SCARED. SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME TO GET DOWN.
Sasha M learns and tells me that it will pass in four to six hours, but I’ve been this way all night, and it’s still as intense as ever. I am never going down, oh my god, I am never going down, please help me. I’m flying too high into an oxygen-less sky and I can’t breathe. Somebody please help me.
That’s when Sasha M presses a button gently and I see Kai flying. Kai flies from clouds to clouds, surrounded by his shadows who follow him everyhwere he goes, but not quite. Kai leaps to the right and his shadows follow him and fail. Kai flies to the left and a shadow tries to mimick him and fail. His shadows move in such fluid movement, shifting in an unearthly nature, and yet they will never catch up to Kai’s grace. Kai is so alone, even with his friends of shadows around. He’s alone, but not so alone, not with his friends of shadows following him from clouds to clouds. His shadows leave him one by one, but Kai is still flying. He’s flying because he’s alone. He’s alone, but not so alone. His shadows are there with him. The last remaining shadows die, and Kai is alone for real. Just like how he always is.
The next thing we see is how Baekhyun makes history with each and every precise movement he releases. We’re frozen in awe, with our eyes glued to the small screen of the magical world that we’re privileged enough to get in. Suddenly Kris seems so much more fluid compared to Baekhyun. I can feel my chest being stabbed everytime Baekhyun points his finger at me. How great it feels to have a friend beside you, who looks right through your every flaw and sit there and never leave. We laugh the dawn away and I begin to question why does sleeping exist. We laugh and laugh and laugh and I share the secrets of the universe with Sasha M. I turn around to my side, blink, and I’m back to Earth.
I do a quick assessment of my state of mind and I know for sure that I’m not scared anymore. The magic is gone. The mushroom effect leaves as swift as it attacked me and I feel betrayed. It’s left without even saying goodbye.
I’m sober and the first thing I want to do is shit.
So yeah, this is everything I saw when I was tripping one night ago. I saw the most beautiful things and I just have to record everything, put down everything into words. Sasha K got all the videos and we were high as fuck. Ask @aeroflare for them lol Anyway, apparently, Sasha M recorded everything I said regarding EXO’s 23rd teaser and I can’t even remember that I said them lol I think she did it justice by rewriting it into such beautiful words. You can read it here.